conscientious.

So I haven't actually carried out one of my challenges since Monday, but I do feel like I am definitely more conscious of my actions. Something so little as this has been a huge growing experience for me. I am more conscious of myself as well as those around me. I feel like I am finally becoming healthy. I had a conversation with a wise woman who was talking about dealing with grief and all the terrible things of this planet. She was talking about how we have to let ourselves feel them, not to just pretend that they aren't there, and also not just dwell on it too...This concept was so foreign to me. Whenever I did allow myself to feel these things, I kind of slipped into a depression for awhile - not too long, but I definitely closed myself off to all things good for that short period of time. I felt guilty about being happy or enjoying good because I thought I was supposed to be feeling sad....It was kind of a self-induced grief, not a true genuine grief. But this week when things reminded me of my dad or when I heard heart breaking news, I let myself feel that sadness, but it didn't stay forever, and I didn't feel guilty when it left...And my happiness seems to be more genuine too. So that's the first part.

I also feel more conscious of others. Yesterday afternoon when I was driving around Nichol looking for parking, I saw this older woman roaming the parking lot. I stopped to ask her if she was lost and sure enough - she couldn't find her car. So I drove her around the hill as we looked for her car. What I did wasn't amazing, but I think that since I am trying to be very conscious of spreading love around, I was able to see a need and act on it. I also am realizing that I'm smiling a lot more to people behind the counters at stores and so on. I seem to be valuing people more. (Now if I can also be a little more patient with crazy drivers, ha!)

I don't know if I am actually making a tangible difference in this world, but it's making a difference in my own life.

Also, I have something on my heart, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. I am really seeing a need for a girls' mentoring program at LLUC...It's a huge undertaking, and I just don't know if I could do it...but I think it would be really neat. I'm thinking of like a cross-generational thing - like collegiate mentors sr. high, sr. high mentors jr. high, and jr. high to older elementary girls... I just don't know how to get it started...And if there really is any interest, but I really can see it being a success if there is buy-in...Why do I make myself so busy?

I love autumn!